Stubbing psychological toes

MyMagicMist

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Feb 9, 2020
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Me and wife have an electric space heater in the one room of a basement hovel where we currently live. Last night she unplugged it. She said it tripped the fuse/breaker on my Back-Ups electric box.

Further she explained it smelled as though it was burning. Setting here in the room doing nothing, I text her to ask if she wanted me to look at it. Her reply was that she would when she got in from work. She reminded me, "if it still smells like its burning how would you know?"

Sometimes I get so frustrated at feeling so useless. Please note I am not suicidal, still my general cynical depressed in general.
 

Debinnv

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I'm so sorry, I know the feeling of being useless and it's no damn fun. Lately my hubby has been doing his laundry (like just starts it even after I ask him if he needs some done) Well, he has a lot if issues too. I can STILL do the dang laundry for heavens sake. I know he means well but ya, I still need to have little things I can do to feel somewhat useful. Have you tried telling her you need to be able to do little things so that you CAN feel useful? I don't mean the heater but maybe some other things? Lots of hugs. It's nice to be able to share how we feel here
 

MyMagicMist

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Feb 9, 2020
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Rural WV
I'm so sorry, I know the feeling of being useless and it's no damn fun. Lately my hubby has been doing his laundry (like just starts it even after I ask him if he needs some done) Well, he has a lot if issues too. I can STILL do the dang laundry for heavens sake. I know he means well but ya, I still need to have little things I can do to feel somewhat useful. Have you tried telling her you need to be able to do little things so that you CAN feel useful? I don't mean the heater but maybe some other things? Lots of hugs. It's nice to be able to share how we feel here
Well bumbling man I am had woken her yesterday morning, way too damn early. I still tried broaching the subject. But she had worked all day with a guy that we both agree needs his own soap opera staring just him. *chuckles* And that may not be "right" to feel toward someone, then again some do merit such.

I know I'm not "useless". She's told me that she loves the fact all she does ask, I get up and do. I'm even learning to keep ahead a little and not get the grumbles. I used to do the laundry but then she fussed I didn't pre-treat some stains she "saw". And to me some of it did not look stained. But gee, I'm a bumbling man after all. *chuckles*

I kept house for the two years we lived in the apartment. Her house if not spotless was cleaner than 80-95% of all hospitals in CONUS. Back here i don't do any cleaning. As I said to her there would be no reciprocation from her family to help keep it clean. Besides that we've been gone two years, do you think they cleaned? Nope.

it's not my circus as is said and I don't worry about that monkey. she doesn't think I should either. I do though help her in carry our laundry up the hill in the sacks. I help do the laundry with her at the laundromat. I keep our dog fed/watered. I look after myself despite doing much of nothing.

Yes, I reckon it is good to talk sometimes. Then other times well, it doesn't seem helpful. In fact it probably serves to illustrate and give power to the opposite of what a person is trying to express, battling against. *sighs* "Just another runnin day, ho ya!"
 
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MyMagicMist

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Still here. Had to let myself know.

Wed 26 Feb 2020 08:05:11 AM EST - Checking in. Yep, still here.
 
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MyMagicMist

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How did I get CHH or Kallmann syndrome?

It is not possible to “catch” CHH or Kallmann syndrome. It is a condition you are born with. You may have of inherited from one or both of your parents or it could have been a random, isolated event.
This is a generic response given by medical professionals. Some further research into the literature about Kallmann Syndrome, reveals a mother may have been stressed during carrying a child, as a cause.

Learned a while back that while my mom was baking me, she tried suicide by pills, likely sleeping pills. Given my biological dad's treatment of her at the time, clear he more than I was the cause of her choice. After all how could a woman realizing she is pregnant, despite being told she never would be, blame the child she carries? So, yes I think mom was a bit stressed out.

My biological dad left me and her when I was two. Met him again when I was seventeen, figured out he was a prick. Later on, in her mom is saying "I think you should know something but I'm not going to tell you" way mom steers me and my wife to look him up again. He was found with FL state corrections, charged with basically "diddling" a little girl no older than twelve.

When I left him after nine months. I had tried handling stuff in school. It was a different place and people were strangers. I told him it was fine. I was young boy hoping to prove himself to a father, maybe. At any given it was a mistake to not have spoken to him of issues. He took it that I lied to him and I suppose I can see that point of view.

He swore he would never respect me. Well, as it is what son would want the respect of a father like the man he is? So, I now say he has not got my respect either. I also say I had no father. He lost that right in my eyes.

The closet I would call any man a dad would be a man called Johnny. He was mom's first husband and had been a sailor, broiler tech. He married another lady and adopted her three sons. Had he re-married mom he would have adopted me. He would have been dad, father.

Odd bit about Johnny's "four sons". Each one chose a different branch of military service to enlist in. One went Army, another Marines, one in Air Force. The other three sons without ever speaking to me had left me the honor of going into the Navy, dad's branch. I had to go look out for dad was the general train of thought. And yes, I love those three boys as brothers. Presently, I shamefully cannot recall all their names. It's been ages since we had met. But I can guarantee you I'd greet them all all arms wide open and know them upon meeting again.

Granted Johnny was stern, strict but he was also fair and in general a good "stand up" guy. His family hailed back to Rhode Island and from my understanding he was a genuine Son of Liberty though he wasn't much for such pomp. That is how I likely would have been granted permission to be at least an honorary SoL.Not that I would care much for the pomp either.

As a matter of fact I recall that someone once told Johnny he was a Son of Liberty, saying he was SoL. Johnny's reply was it didn't mean Son of Liberty but sh*t Out of Luck. I fairly share that kind of view.

I'm my mom's first of three sons. The honor of being the son that scares her belongs to me alone.Have figured out I scare her because I'm most like her, like her own dad too. There's been a few times in life recently, I have spoken, heard my Pap speaking as clear as day. Pap too was a damn good stand up guy. I regret not having attended his funeral. Though he assures me it's fine, he was damn sure I went to my grandma's though. I miss them both dearly but also realize they're at peace.

All humans are mutations to some degree, sure. My having this syndrome places me into an even further mutated and rare sub classing of humans. The best the professionals can suggest as a guess as to why I am this way? "Your mother was stressed while carrying you."

And I amaze them further still, as if being living proof the best doctors can be wrong isn't enough. I amaze them by having done things they never thought I could have capacity to do. I was told by a doctor during my disability adjudication "you really ought to not been able to do half of what you've done in life."

The doctor mused they would really like to know how I managed it. My wife in the hall afterwards told the attorney, "nobody told him different, and those that did he did it to prove them wrong." Never bet against rare anomalies.


N.B.: No, I am not on disability. I filed, got denied, repealed and it went to adjudication. The judicial administrator, not a judge, denied and stated I would need to refile. Since then there's been mention that I may in fact suffer bipolar disorder as the KS effects my brain chemistry.

And bipolar disorder is listed as being something considered a disability. My wife has also sent to national archives for my military medical records. She says that if the Fed government put me out of military service, it likely considers me disabled. I'm not sure if the records are worded in such a way, likely not so as to avoid granting disability. That wouldn't be a surprise at this point, not at all.

I don't necessarily desire disability listing. at the same time though I served, granted I was turned away. My grandfather and uncle served both in wars. Her dad, granddad served. I have also gone out and worked what is considered some of the most dangerous work there is to work. So, it's not like I feel entitled.

No, I feel the country is obliged. That is what these programs were set up to do, to provide for the welfare of citizens. I'm not asking for charity or free loading. I would rather be back out working the dangerous sh*t. At this point in life though, I'm not able, I was but life catches up. My spirit and heart are fighting the fight, the damn body is stuck in the mud.

Yes, I know, "pull your boots up and fight on sailor!" Let me spit in your eye and tell you where to ram it too, as I run you through. By damn I would if I could. There's no quit in me, it got beaten out too long ago. This is not me making excuses, or pitying myself. f*ck that. That's not me. What I am asking though is a turn of fairness.
 
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MyMagicMist

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Feb 9, 2020
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Rural WV
Mon 09 Mar 2020 07:17:07 AM EDT -- Checking in. Got appt. w/ social worker/talk therapist at 2 PM local today.

Not sure I've much to talk about. Have realized, "Yeah? Welcome to the human race."

I feel okay but half at unease considering mortality. I don't fear dying. I will dislike not having more time. All the same, when it's time
up, well I'm ready too.

Damn! I'm fully realized and balanced. Yep, I'm beyond help now. *chuckles*

Update: Mon 09 Mar 2020 08:45:40 AM EDT -- No appt. today after all. Her service called and said she's not in today. Gee, how'bout that? Reckon I scared her off. *chuckles*

Also realized something a little perhaps off in the profound. The less you concern yourself over something, the less concerning it becomes. There is usually not great need required for life doing what it'll do of its own course. We've no real control at any given. So, we can only accept it and not be concerned. Which leads to reflecting.

"There's no point to concern, meaning there's no point to anything."

Rather humbling, chilling thought. No I'm not in any danger, nor is anyone else. I'm okay, that's all.

Wed 11 Mar 2020 02:08:04 PM EDT

F.I.L was supposed to have gone to OH sometime this week w/ me. He
wanted to go pick up some slabs of hardwood. So far no word on that. I'm
not going to go down and set around waiting either.

It's not any effort for him to type a message to me on messenger, or to
walk down our hill to holler at me. If he wants to go then he can ask me
to go. That's not written or said, felt with any "attitude". It is just
simply, if he's going to do, he can get me when its time.

Wife explained the job situation to me regarding the janitorial position
I applied to work. They need to call and then give me training before
I'm fully hired on. Ergo, so far no calls or any mention of training at
all. I'm not even in the pool of possibles as I'm not hired on. So yeah,
another "we'll call you, ... maybe."

Wife rescheduled my talk therapy appointment. She knows when it's to be,
I don't. Here at home and watched a damn good movie what has been a long
while coming. The movie is titled A Vigilante. All due respect to Olivia
Wilde. She handled the role excellently.

Thu 12 Mar 2020 08:27:48 AM EDT

Checking in. I'm okay. I don't feel like conversing anymore. If I'm "away" from forums consider "no news is good news". My life is stuck and I may only change / control myself. Beyond that it's "hold on and go along for the ride".

Fri 13 Mar 2020 07:56:18 AM EDT - Check In

Today is a day is a day the same as other days. Not sure it is any different than yesterday, or tomorrow. Seems I live in the ever present Now of today only. The most difficult puzzle I face is figuring out if I'm the butterfly dreaming its a man, or a man dreaming he's a butterfly.

Still no coronavirus in WV. I think the coronavirus fears coming to WV for the mutations WV hosts. Still using common sense though. Not going "looking for the coronavirus". I'm seeing reports though stating none present in WV. Go Mountaineers!

Fri 13 Mar 2020 02:01:59 PM EDT

Wife suggested I was making excuses as far as work. So, I took the assessment for working at walmart as a janitor online. I failed. Which kind of put me in a rough feeling mood as when she suggested I was making excuses wife also said she had passed the walmart assessment and I should be able.

So, been chatting w/ her and looking for job openings today to no avail. I find stuff but it is stuff that requires driver license, or is stuff I've no chance at all to work in. If it's not that it's located too far to run for work. And no those are not excuses, those are the realities. All it does for me to look for work is cause me to feel like sh*t.
 
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MyMagicMist

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Feb 9, 2020
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Rural WV
Psychosexual effects resulting from delayed, incomplete, or absent puberty

An interesting article regarding KS. This article seems to admit the alleged medical experts got no clue. It sets the tone that further research is need done. If they any clue about what was going on, extra research likely would not need done.

I email the doctor who authored it and answered three of the further research questions. Doubt my response will matter. Seems to the case that I email people like this and get no response back to even acknowledge I got in touch. So as a patient you get to feel like there's no point.

No one cares about an invisible 2.5% of the world's population. What does that reflect then upon the other 97.5% of the world? Gee, do they care about them?

To a large degree it seems so as media is "normalized" for that segment of the population and that segment only. There's no heroes with Kallman syndrome or some other rare genetic disorder. No, we're considered anomalous and weakened freaks. We have to fawn over all the "normal" though to even subsist on scraps.

Inequality? No, just "business as usual" we don't warrant effort because we don't generate enough profit. Although you can be damn sure the pharmaceutical companies reap hilariously exorbitant profits on treatments for us. For example the testosterone I take went from a 1.5 ml bottle which lasted me three months dosing for $25, to a .5 ml bottle that only does last one month if squeezed well by nurse, for $100. This happened in a one month period, no notifications.

I had to nearly fight the FDA representative to get any idea how to stay on it at the time. I wound up going off for nearly two years because it was untenable to get it unless we tried black market, even then the price would have gouged. And this is medicine or "treatment" I'm told will be required "life" long.

Yeah, 'nother day in paradise.
 
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